


Sometimes I Tell Myself I'm Okay

by princeofprinces (orphan_account)



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Depressed Bucky Barnes, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-17 05:04:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11268498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/princeofprinces
Summary: Based on the prompt: You’re severely depressed these days and I’m too scared to leave you alone so yes this is the only solution please accept my hugs.





	Sometimes I Tell Myself I'm Okay

_“Sometimes I tell myself I’m okay. I repeat it, like a mantra. I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay. Because I’m afraid if I stop, even for a moment, I will drown in all the reasons I am not.”_ \- TJ Hammond

Steve finds their bedroom door closed. He raises a hand and raps at the door. Once, twice, three times. No answer. His heart rate picks up, that sickening, nervous thud that makes him feel weak at the knees.

“Buck?”

Again, no answer. Steve sucks in a shaky breath and lowers his hand until he grips the door handle, the cold steel knob cool in his warm, sweaty palm. He turns the knob slowly, his other hand on the polished wood, and the door creaks open, allowing a growing sliver of light to enter the room.

“Buck?” He calls again as he flicks the light switch up, illuminating the room. The bedroom is just as it was when they got up that morning: Bucky’s denim jacket hanging over a chair, a pair of well-worn boots by the right side of the foot of the bed, a mug of old coffee resting on the small bedside table. Nothing seems out of the ordinary. Then Steve’s eyes fall to the floor, where there is shadow and light. His eyes travel up, following the light and shadow, until they reach the source. Oh God.

Steve runs from the doorway to the ensuite bathroom, his heart pounding faster with every footstep. He stops at the door.

There, he finds Bucky, sat on the lid of the toilet, razor in hand. He’s wearing the same clothes he put on two days ago; a red Henley, dark jeans, socks. He doesn’t notice Steve make his way over to him, or if he does, he doesn’t show it. He doesn’t move, only staring at the razor, as if trying to memorize the way it feels in his hand, the grooves of the blade, the way the too-bright lights of the bathroom catch in the steel of the plates. He inhales deeply through his nose.

“Buck?” Steve speaks the name softly, not wanting to startle him.

His eyes fly up, to the side, until he finds Steve. He turns his head sharply then, facing Steve entirely.

“Steve?” He whispers in the same quiet tone, his voice as raspy as it was when Steve had first heard him speak in Austria. He doesn’t let go of the razor, and he sees Steve’s eyes dart to it before looking back at him.

“I’m sorry I left you alone, I should have had Luis or Nat or Wanda come sit with you, I hate leaving you alone…” Steve isn’t aware he’s crying until he sees a teardrop fall from his cheek and hit the tiled floor with a soundless splash.

“Hey,” Bucky stands up then, setting the razor down on the lid of the toilet tank as he rises to his feet. “It’s ok. It’s not your fault–”

“It _is_ my fault, I know you can’t be left alone when you’re like this! It’s dangerous and anxiety-inducing and I _worry_ about you, Buck.”

Bucky smiles then, but there is no joy in it. Rather, he holds pain and hurt in his eyes. “You shouldn’t worry about me, Steve. You have plenty of other things to worry about. I shouldn’t be one of them.”

“Buck, I love you, and that means I will always have you in my thoughts.” Steve wipes the tears from his cheeks before he wraps his arms around Bucky’s waist and pulls him into a hug. Bucky wraps his arms around Steve, his cheek resting on Steve’s shoulder. They stay that way for a while until Steve whispers, “Let’s go to bed, huh?”

Bucky draws away to nod as Steve takes his hand, leading him from the bathroom back into their room. There’s a permeable silence as they undress, stripping down to their underwear in a fog-heavy quiet, the absence of sound thick like soup eaten on a rainy day. Then Bucky climbs into their bed, Steve flicking the light switch down before he joins him. He curls around Bucky, cat-like, his head resting on his broad chest, listening to the _thump thump thump_ of his heart as they doze off to sleep.


End file.
